Love, Loss, and Pain
by Thalia Grace DaughterofZeus13
Summary: One-shot. Set during the episode Origin. He worked so hard for those memories. Once he had them, he didn't want them.


**I came up with this while (as weird as it seems) walking to class at school. I'm not sure why I thought of it at that exact moment, but I liked it so I wrote it. This takes place during the episode _Origin _in season five, just as they all get their memories of Connor back. Please read and review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Angel.**

_ The Father will kill the Son._

The box breaks and they were all thrown backward. He hit the ground but didn't feel the pain it would usually bring, too focused on the memories being returned.

Darla pregnant. Sacrificing herself for the baby. Connor, the little boy. The prophecy. Kidnapping the baby. Getting his throat slit. Connor and Holtz getting sent to Quor-Toth. Angel trying to kill him. Connor coming back through the portal, Connor sending Angel to the bottom of the ocean, saving him, Cordelia and Connor, Connor with Jasmine…everything.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

What had he done? It was his fault, it was all his fault. How did Angel still trust him? He must have remembered, but he trusted him nonetheless. Why? He didn't deserve it.

He remembered how happy Connor made Angel. It was his fault that was gone. He said he couldn't trust Angel because he'd changed their memories. The truth was Angel couldn't trust him because he had to change them.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

Each memory was a fresh new hell. Angel hadn't just been helping his son, he'd tried to help them all without the memories of the last few years. These weren't things he wanted to remember. But it was his fault he did. He betrayed Angel again, returning the memories to everyone. Even Connor…

_Connor._

That boy in there had grown up in hell because of him. And now he would remember. He had ruined the boys' life twice. If he hadn't taken him, it never would have happened. But he'd destroyed the life of an innocent child because of a stupid prophecy that hadn't even been real. How could he have been such an idiot?

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

_ Cordelia._

When they'd seen her before she died, she'd spoken of a boy called Connor. She had asked where he was. She'd remembered. The spell hadn't worked because she was in a coma. She knew everything. And she had asked for his forgiveness? He should have gotten down on his knees and begged for hers. If he hadn't taken Connor, if Connor had still been a baby…it wouldn't have happened. She died because of him, because of what he did. He had murdered one of his closest friends.

_"I had my throat cut and all my friends abandon me."_

That's what he had been telling himself to cover the guilt he had felt. He turned on them. He should have told them, but he didn't. He had stolen his best friends' child! Angel had trusted him, and he'd taken the only child he would ever have away from him because he had seriously thought the he'd try to kill the baby. What had he done?

_ What had he done?_

Why had they ever taken him back? Why did Angel still call him a friend? Why did Angel trust him, knowing what he'd done? He hated himself for it, why didn't they? They had at first, and they'd been right.

_ "The prophecy was a fake. It was all for nothing."_

_ Fred._

Fred. Oh god, Fred. She had loved that baby…the look in her eyes when she looked at him after he'd done it. She'd hated him, as she should have. He could see Illyria now, as she received Fred's memories. She looked almost appalled. He knew she'd never respect him, but now she looked at him in a mixture of confusion and disgust. He didn't blame her.

Fred had forgiven him because she had a kind heart. It was one of the best things about her. He hadn't deserved her.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

He didn't want to remember. He wished he didn't. All the horrible things he'd done. He'd never forgive himself for it. He should have listened to Angel and not make himself remember. Everyone had been happier not knowing. He deserved to burn. He should have been in Fred's place. He should have been punished for what he hated himself for.

_ "Did you trade your son for Fred?"_

Of course he hadn't. It was stupid to think so.

It was all his fault.

_The Father will kill the Son._


End file.
